Gag bag

Disclaimer: Don't mind the acidic blunt language. If you don't like it, don't read it.

This is a story from the days of old (its a true story by the way). Those were the days of yore, the olden times, and the not so golden times. Well, you, me, none of us were here in any form. It was the time when a huge battle was ongoing between the lords above and the Rakshas (monsters) below in the netherworld. Well, both of them wanted to live in the Heavens above. But the lords had Bramha, Vishnu and Mahesh on their side. And this trio gave boons to their peers and turned them into powerful dudes, which in turn led them to beating the Rakshasas to the heavens. Under their shadow, even Indra, and the other such gods showed lots of arrogance.
The heaven was a beautiful place, with abundance in everything. The soft foamy clouds offered transport from place to place, gentle soothing music by Saraswati herself on her Veena played in the background. There were beautiful Apsaras or fairies everywhere, and they danced for you and did many things more anytime you wanted. All in all, it was a place where everyone wanted to be, and one shouldn't blame the Rakshasas for being jealous.
The hell on the other hand was a horrid place, with big satanic fires everywhere, haunting dark husky voices everywhere, and torture techniques which even Leonardo himself would be ashamed to explain being used for any small blunder. But having no place to live, well, the Rakshasas had to resort to living there.
There was one other thing which the Rakshasas were really pissed about. The gods had gotten Yamadeva (Yamdoot) on their side too. This took them to the end of their tether now, since now they couldn't even kill any of the gods by sending Yamadeva on the killing mission. The Rakshasas thought that well, now this is really too much, and if we don't do something soon, well, who knows, the Gods might soon start sending Yamadeva to kill them.
The Rakshasas planned a meeting on dear old earth, cause it was a hell of a place the Gods had started building just recently. The Gods were planning on making it their summer homes or something, sort of like Lavasa. The Rakshasas were not allowed to step onto earth at all, but somehow, one of them had secretly paved a way up to land and had found a perfect hiding spot wherein they could all gather, and sit and discuss on this issue. They had made all necessary arrangements so that their plans go undetected to the ever so interfering gods. They had decided on a quiet dinner and some drinks afterwards, as a mark of their success if they did end up on a good plan. Chicken, mutton and lots of rum were the highlights of this small dinner.
So well, the D day arrived, and all of them made their way in groups of 10-12 slowly up to the predecided spot (well they didn't want the heat sensors of the Gods to be ringing by coming up all together at once did they). Some of them had read J. K. Rowling's Harry Potter books and some others had just seen the movies. So as soon as they gathered, they put on the usual enchantment around the spot. You know, the ones by which you go by undetected. Those ones. Once that was done, they sat down to discuss their problems.
Ravana, Kansa all were there. So were Bakasura, Shurpankha, Bhasmasura, Tataka, Hidimba. And all the Kauravas too. Plus many thousands more, some of them you and I don't even know the names of. It all started with the Rakshas-vandan dance and song, with the blowing off of the diyas at the hands of the chief guest, Ghatotkacha. Now this Ghatotkacha was in reality the son of Bheema, one of the Pandavas himself, but he had sworn that he would be on the side of the Rakshasas just as his mother. This is why he has assumed such a high place among the ranks of the Rakshasas. Cause even though they were Rakshasas, even these guys lauded allegiance and trust.
Many suggestions were put forth. Some were really out the world, some, plain devilish, some extravagant and some others were largely impossible. After much ado, and hours and hours of yes and no and **** you and **** you, it was finally decided that a proposal given by a certain devil was the most feasible and maybe the most fantastic in the night so far. All the devils were getting hungry anyway, and so they thought that well, lets just get this meeting over with, and lets say that it has been successful, so we can finally get the drinks and the food coming.
And all hailed #@!@$^ and %#^## and many more such words, and started the feast. What ensued is best not told in the light of small little children reading this story, so well, you can imagine for yourself. We will continue with the break of dawn, when light began to spread on mother earth, and the Devils soon started realizing that time was up, and started walking, tottering back to hell in pairs of 2 or 3 or whatever suited them best.
So ya, the idea was that since the Gods have powers, it was best to get the powers from them. Cause as things stood, the Gods had far too much power and the only way they could be beaten was that the Devils themselves needed powers of their own. Else it was hardly going to be a contest, with the Gods in their post-imperial age, and these Devils still in stone age. So it was decided that all of them start their tapascharya, and appease the gods and make them give boons making the Rakshasas stronger. One Rakshas argues why not ask Gods for heaven itself, which seemed the best idea possible, till someone explained that this wasn't possible as the book on boon asking clearly states that there are certain things you can't ask for (damn the book-worms among the Rakshasas), and heaven is one of them. (I think the Gods themselves had drafted the book, and since there was no one to question, well, it stood as a rule. But it kind of made sense, since you have to earn the heavens and not just ask for it).
So on a dark new moon day, it was decided that all of them sit for penance and continue to do so till the Gods are pleased. They also promised not to get distracted by any other things the gods might send so as to break their concentration. They crossed their hearts and swore in the name of the darkest Devil of them all, Krishna (Yup, Krishna was here too, after all, the kind of things he did didn't go unnoticed, and the sorting hat easily clawed its way into Krishna's head and found all about his infidelity and his little mind games with Arjuna).
Unknown to all of them, the small little mosquito had other plans. He wanted to break free from this hell and make his way to heaven, where he knew he could live a much lavish life with the Gods. He had been taught well by his mom, that we are made for Royal blood, and not this sad little state the rakshasas feed on. And hence, he had a plan to betray the rakshasas to end up with the Gods.
The real problem was that he didn't know why he had ended up in hell. He wasn't that bad after all, he was just doing what he was meant to. That is, suck blood. But somewhere back in time, when a bed bug had called the mosquito a "not-trustworthy devil" (refer to The Louse and the Mosquito - Vikram Seth) the name stuck and when the sorting was being done, the mosquito was put into hell. He was really aghast with the blood sucking bed bug, cause the louse got its place in heaven. And the mosquito's only aim in life was to break even and get a sting of the bed bug himself (which he later said in an interview that he was glad he didn't take a bite, bed bugs are really dull and icky). He was also quite disgusted with the kind of jokes which were being made on him. Firstly, many of the Marathi speaking Rakshasas used to call him Das, which the German speaking Devils interpreted as something really different, and the word spread that the mosquito was neither male nor female. Besides, all of them called his sons as Sandas, which is really derogatory for a baby, even if it is a mosquito's baby. And it didn't stop there, they went on making joke after joke. For instance, Q: What is a mosquito's car known as? A: Volkswagen. (Das Auto). I mean come on, he thought (although he did kind of like this joke, cause it made him wonder if he should really buy a Volkswagen one day).
Anyway, he was sick of the jobless Devils making jokes on him, and decided to betray them to earn his rightful place.
So as the day broke, he rose, quietly as all others made way to hell, and started flying and flying. Up and up he went, further and further till he was beyond the clouds. Once there, he could now fly safely without being spotted. He has to resort to a disillusionment charm till there. Cause he knew that if he were caught, the Devils would really hurt his family is a bad bad way. After all, even he had sisters and wives and all that. He couldn't risk their well being, even for such a noble cause which would help all his brotherhood.
So well, he went on and on. Neither hunger nor thirst could break his resilience now. Mission heaven was all that he could think of. And after days on end, he finally made his appearance at the pearly gates, and knocked. At first it was thought that this mosquito was being sent up as a spy by the Rakshasas themselves, and he was kicked away even before he could open his mouth. But after much pleading and crying, he was summoned to the court, which was busy watching a dance by the lovely damsels. The show was put on break, and the mosquito was asked to speak up (all the Gods were really pissed, as a wonderful visual experience was being halted, but in light of the importance of the matter, the mighty decision had to be taken).
The mosquito started speaking now, buzzing on in detail on every point brought up right since the meeting had been decided, till the actual meeting. In return, he asked for protection of himself and his family, and a place in heaven. The gods were now in a fix, and started thinking. They finally agreed to the terms of the mosquito, in light of their future at the heaven, and said that if what the mosquito says is true, and if they manage in beating the devils, the mosquito will be welcomed in the heavens. For now, the mosquito should stay put in heaven and the rest of the family should continue in hell, since their absence could trigger some doubts.
So they waited, to see any signs of movement in hell. As expected, on the given date, all the Rakshasas took positions and started their penance. Such was their penance that the whole of the heavens started vibrating. Bramha, Vishnu and Mahesh were most affected. Cause they were getting alerts after alerts, and they finally had to type DND and send it to 5050 in order to stop the nuisance of the SMSs. Their desktops were filled with alert messages after alerts of "Om namah shivay" and similar messages and for a few moments, the whole of heaven was dumbstruck. The mosquito on the other hand was beaming, and had it been Hell, the glow could have easily brought light to the whole of hell. Or maybe even averted the energy crisis which is going on in the Vidarbha area. But well, it was heaven, and it was already glowing all around anyway.
The Gods called together another meeting, and started discussing ways to avert this problem. Many suggested that the Gods needn't appear in front of the Rakshasas at all to grant them boons, which will certainly solve the whole problem. But again, that damn book was opened, and it was stated in clear thick bold size 16 Times New Roman text, that the boon giver is at the mercy of the pledge he had taken before he became a boon giver. So well, this suggestion was put aside, and many more started thinking and coming up with ideas.
Finally it was decided that apart from trying to break the Devils' concentration they didn't have much in their hands. So again, the Gods started resorting to their age old techniques of guile and treachery.
The place where the Devils were worshiping their deities was a wide large stretch of land, with not much to offer. There was water around, but nothing to eat and the temperature was very conducive for habitation. Although the Devils had put enchantments around the area, which made it difficult to spot them, the Gods didn't have a hard time figuring out where the mass penance was going on. After all, they just did a route command on the alerts they received, and they could directly trace where the IP packets were coming from. But they couldn't attack nor kill a person in penance, cause he is doing a noble deed after all, so even Yamadeva was helpless. The Gods did a survey of the area, and finally decided on some basic methods of distractions. They put plate full of mutton and flesh with a sweetened blood topped with cream cheese dip on the side. Multitude of toppings and sauces were kept on the side, right from saliva and mucus to well... You get it. So well, the whole area was filled with the aroma of melting cheese and coffee and all such odors which played with the senses. The Devils had half expected this, but even then, some of them just couldn't concentrate anymore. They were already in penance for a month now, and they were getting kind of hungry. But they remembered their promises and stuck to their resolve. But the sweet scents couldn't just be ignored. At last a few of them fell prey to the trap and as soon as they bit on the first morsel, Yamadeva did his duty and killed them off(it was argued later as to why the Gods hadn't killed them right away, but it was understood that Yamadeva could kill only when a person commits a mistake grave enough, and breaking a penance midway was one of them). The food trap was kept for almost an year, in which many of the Devils fell prey too, but around 30-40% still continued, with a more heightened resolve to control.
The gods were in a fix again. They now decided to make the weather in that area really non-conducive, and hence, called upon Varun. Varun was the god of wind, and he made it rain, brought the temperatures below zero, and started really chilly and numbing prickly winds, almost to the point where the heavens started feeling the effects of the climate on earth. This to us today, is better known as an ice age. The rakshasas though were unaffected, having suffered mightily in hell. This was just another day for them. The Gods repented the way they treated the rakshasas, cause it was back-firing on them now, just like how English batsmen repented the bowling practice they gave the West Indians in the 80s. Hardly 1 or 2 of the Rakshasas fell out, that too because they fell ill and had to walk out.
Around 3 years went by, and the Gods were still trying to break the Devils' resolves. But to no end. The alerts kept popping up, and it was almost becoming too much to live with. The Gods contacted Google for a much larger space, since their mail boxes were totally full. Marking the messages as spam hardly meant anything, cause even the weekly spam clearing hardly helped free up any space. Google itself was having problems since important emails being sent by regular customers had to be put on hold, since these alerts were marked with high priority and always queued up other emails. People were losing faith in Google, and for a moment, it seemed as if Hotmail would be back in action, since they now provided unlimited email space (this in reality is never unlimited, but that is not to be disclosed is it).
5 years, and around 25% Rakshasas stood tall chanting and expecting the Gods to get pleased. The faith meter on the Gods were starting to fill up soon, (the Devils had researched Illumination) and they knew that soon enough they would have to grant anything that the Devils wished. One last try was decided, this time to send Mohini and her friends in an effort to break the Demons with a show of pure lust. This was foreseen by the Devils too, but as some say, there are a few things which one can never control. With the kind of performances and antics these beautiful girls were performing, it was hard even for God himself to resist. Many a worshipers were broken and eventually killed of by Yamadeva, even before they could touch these femme fatales. After much gnawing and gashing of teeth, and of screeches and noises unheard of, these enchantresses returned, pretty successful, but gasping for air, and still leaving the task half done. The last 3 devils still remained, unmoved, unaffected and dauntless. They continued filling their faith in the Gods cauldron and God was now starting to wonder if eventually, he would lose this battle.
8 years now, and still no sign of any disturbance on the faces of these Rakshasas. The final weapon had been played and God was now in a fix as to what to do next. Many meetings, conferences were held. Status reports were being sent out everyday, and yet, there was no answer. Many gods had given up, and had started saying good byes to the place which they had called their own. Around two more years were left, and with the kind of progress the Devils were making it seemed maybe that they would end up pleasing god even earlier.
There was no hope left in heaven. The mosquito was alarmed too, as it would mean that he would never get to live in Heaven anyway. He has switched parties at the wrong time, and he cursed his fate so. He took out his wallet, and looked at the photos of his near and dear ones. He shed a tear when he realized that he could not be meeting them again, if this continued. That night, when he slept, he got many frightening dreams, of devils torturing his family and he was bound and gagged and was being fed milk. He got up sweating and startled, and he was terrified. He wondered if he could help in anyway, and then it struck him like it was with him all along. It only needed an enzyme, a catalyst, a thought to provoke him to think about it. He got up immediately flew up, and approached Brahma and asked if he could help in this task. Having given up hope anyway, he summoned all gods and asked if they could give the mosquito a chance. Since there was nothing worse the mosquito could do, they allowed him to go down and try to make things right.
The mosquito went down, and floated in front of the last three devils who stood worshiping. He observed that they were deep in penance, almost as if they were asleep. Had it not been for his warmth and CO2 detectors, he would have hardly realized if anyone was alive in the vicinity.
He went up, and bit one of them. It hardly mattered, cos he had been provided with an anesthetic by god himself, which prevented any pain when bitten. The scratching and the itching was for later on, and the devils were very well used to it, having lived with a swarm of mosquitoes all their lives. The mosquito then smirked, he had that sly smile on his face. And then without a hint, he flew up to the ear of one and buzzed wildly (gnnuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu). In what seemed like a split second, the devil slapped himself on his ear even as the mosquito just flew past and saved himself. Yamadeva who was dozing since he hardly believed that a mosquito could help, was kicked by the others till he woke up. He then took the life of the Devil. In a matter of two more seconds, the other two devils had gotten distracted and were killed off too. The heavens showered praises and flowers on the mosquito down on earth, and the whole of his family was welcomed to the heaven. But the mosquito then decided that he would rather stay on earth since there was abundance of blood and trees around, and he could not bring himself to bite Gods themselves. The Gods granted this permission to the mosquitoes in unison, and to this day, they live on, in numbers so vast and growing daily, that even with the advancement of Science to such a huge degree, we still haven't been able to stop this menace. But after all, a mosquito is the Gods own tool, his own helper, and it would take a hell lot more than just brains to get rid of them.