Gag bag

I don’t think I can do it,

Even if I try to now

Cause I have strayed a bit too far

To try to find a way back and how

I have realized this a little too late

That my problem is that I just wait.

So I will just move away

Cause that just sounds as the right thing anyway

And in some parallel universe

Where love isn't a must

I think we can hit it off again

I think over there, it won’t pain.

I try to move on

But the whole damn world holds me back

I try my best to start anew

But the glimpses of the past just push through

How, oh how can I live it up now

When I myself don’t want to love.

I try to stay away

But you show up out of nowhere

I try to catch up

But you just disappear somehow

I don’t want to see you anymore

But then, truth is I don’t want you to see me see you anymore

This hatred kills me everyday

I die to be reborn as someone new

But my unfortunate good luck

Somehow just makes me die again for you

So help me die once and for all

Cause I have already died halfway anyway.

Whatever I do, wherever I am

My mind does nothing but wonder about you

Whatever I am, whatever I will be

Won’t ever matter, now that I have come to see.

Ever wondered how it feels to be really passionate about something? Ever know how it feels to see the ship you build sinking away, and to feel helpless all along while you see it go down? Ever felt that you really need to go out there, lift those heavy logs, give your part of strength, time, so that you could be the architect of that change? Ever know how it feels after the storm has passed away? If yes, then which side were you on, the side where you felt proud of yourself, that you could make your impression in some small way, to bring about a change, a change which you so desperately needed to see? Or were you on that other side, where you were again just that mere spectator of the things going on, and you were helpless and are still now?

I have myself been in both situations a lot of times, more so on the wrong side than the right one. These things usually strike you when you are sitting alone, wondering what the heck is going on, and then suddenly out of nowhere, you see that far away light, a light which makes you believe in life again. Somehow, you feel energized, you feel you are the one who has been sent down to bring about that one change, which will totally create a new system in which there will be nothing wrong ever. But alas, that is only a dream. You are shaken back to reality the moment you see it all happen, and you feel like you could have done so much, but you did nothing, once again as always!

Given all this, I still feel that there are times when we do get that instant feeling that well, wow, look what I did! Maybe it’s not you who did it completely, and may be its not the way you exactly planned it out to be too, but still it gives you a sense of pride! And I am happy to feel so today, cause I feel I lived that feeling just a few days back.

If you follow this regularly, then you know that I have been coaching a kids team recently. Its nothing much, but it does help me stay connected to the game, and it gives a new dimension to the game. It helps me nurture myself as a player and a person too. So it is totally worth it. At times, it makes you want to bang your head against the wall, at times, it catches you off-guard, and sometimes, it is just another beautiful feeling (which come by so rare now a days).

So it went on this way. I have been working with these kids for 8 weeks now,  and now I am in a good rapport with them. They too are their own usual selves around me, so the initial fear on both sides is a little low now. I know what I can expect from them, they know what they want for themselves, so it is working well. The motion is a lot smoother now, than what it was for the first two weeks!

We haven’t been having the best of seasons, as far as scoring goes, but we are still doing really well, thanks to some great improvement on some kid’s parts. They are now more focused while playing, and enjoy a lot during the whole game. They have started understanding and appreciating the game, both as a player and as a substitute, which I feel is a very big achievement. They can correctly point out to the errors they are making. And accepting the error as we all know, is half the battle won!

Improvements come in the form of dedication, understanding, respecting and enjoying the game. And I feel really good about the fact that I do have some role (even if it’s a very small role) to play in all this.

So as always, our match commenced, and we started the game. The scoring is usually not a big factor. But I like to see that you give your 100 percent to whatever you always are supposed to do. I often get angered or troubled by the fact that something’s sometimes are taken too lightly, and this doesn’t go well with me. Inspite of knowing that scoring is not adhered to, we all know that subconsciously, we always have that going on. And this happens to everyone, even to the players on the field. So by half time, I found myself with a team 0-6 down. And I don’t know why, but I was really pissed with the way my boys were performing. Now I was supposed to keep it down, but I couldn't and my half time talk was a little hot and angered. I tried to control, but I couldn't. And this kind of stuff doesn’t happen a lot to me, I mean, like one of my player rightly pointed out to me while I was giving my angered talk (actually it so happened, that I told them all to drop all their half time snacks and come immediately to me, cause I needed to talk to them. One of the kids asked me, are you angry? I said well yea, I am. Aren’t you? And he said no, it’s just a game! And bewildered as I was, I realized too that well yea, it is just a game!). Why then was I so angry? I was angry  not because of the score line, but the way they reacted to the score. There was a possible lack of interest about their whole demeanor. And like I said, I just hate this behavior, wherein there is no passion within you to prove anything at all in the thing you are doing. Atleast try your best, and go down trying, but atleast give it your best?

And hence, I didn’t stop myself. I made it clear what I wanted, I made it clear that this is certainly not how I want the team to play. I said I will make big changes, but it won’t help, cause it is not that you guys don’t have it in you, its just that you don’t want to. So go out there and play your hearts out, before complaining that you are losing every game! I had lost it, and I could feel eyes on me, trying to question what I was doing. I gave them a hard talk, a little animated, a little agitated. And they got no rest, cause I went to one on ones after this. No one got a compliment (maybe this was wrong, but I was really worked up). And soon enough, the whistle went off for the second half.

And in a space of two minutes, I could feel the difference. I could feel the life in each of them, trying to prove themselves. I was really proud that even if not long lasting, they were somehow reacting to something. I don’t care if it was my speech, or something they felt on their own, but they were delivering. Throughout the full half, I didn’t make a single comment, other than substituting the kids once in a while. At the end, the score stood at 4-6. We lost, but we fought hard, and we fought well. And it was my proudest moment to see my kids come out with heads held high. I think such defeats are sweeter than insane victories. I think it makes you happier, and helps you understand the struggle part of every battle you fight. It helps you understand your own faults, look into yourself, change/ tweak a few things here and there (mainly the attitude) and then see the change for yourself.

There are times when you want to know what you are all about, just for your own confirmation, just for your own proof, and I think this one surely counts as one of mine!