Gag bag

Right from when the Wright brothers got to building the flying machine, flying has been a source of humor. To this day, its hard to accept the fact that humans can fly. Not alone, but in groups of over 300 at times, carrying along their "stuff" from one town to another. The thought of flying has always been fascinating, and what earlier was a symbol of wealth and pride, is now an everyday thing that people all around do as part of their routine. But however commonplace the flight becomes, it still sparks those small anxieties, that tinge of a rushing feeling, and yes, currently, the thought whether eventually, the destination will ever be reached, or will some no-regrets, brain-washed jack ass blow you up at 30000+ feet above ground level. That's a fantasy for a start.
To begin with, the idea of flying itself is so absurd. The thought of a man flying must be so hard to believe, that I wouldn't blame the so called "non-believers" for laughing at that mad-man who thought that some day, man would fly. Today, yes, the ones laughing are the ones who are laughed at (talk about karma), but it still makes you wonder at times if they were so wrong in not believing.
The whole trip is such a set up. Flying to reach a destination is one thing, flying, the way we do today, is a whole new thing. Its like recreation, or a picnic. You plan for it months ago, that you want to go to so and so place, pre paying in sums of hundreds for a time so much ahead in future at times, that you cant even be sure whether you will be alive then. You pack your bags, to the brim, stuffing underwear in shoes and folding those toothpastes to their smallest volumes, to make space in those regulated baggage scales, all the time forgetting about those stupid things you pack along too, filling up space so big, that you might as well cut open the toothpaste tube, place the paste separately and blow up the tube with air. Then you pack and unpack a dozen times, over and over again, trying to remember where you place every small thing, so that upon arrival, you could push in just two fingers through the crevice, find the thing you were looking for, and pull it out. But little do you know that you will be turning the whole bag inside out, searching every nook and corner for that one important thing you had tucked in, only to realize that during all that packing unpacking, you left it on the shelf back home.
You get through the packing. Its time for the departure. You know you can't drive up on your own, you have to call a friend to drop you. I guess this is more to do with the look-who-is-going-to-fly feeling than the actual bond between the guys. Its news. Its got to spread. And who better than your close friend on whom you rely on so much, trust so much, that you know that every word you share is going to go thrice around the world before you even depart. The customary hug, the bye byes and the call-me-when-you-reach, as if you give a damn! But its what flying has made us into.
You are at the check in now. You had pre-checked and already have the boarding pass in your hand. You look at people standing in line in front of the check in counters, and you get this awesome feeling that you somehow beat the other passengers to the plane. That you outdid them. That in someway you are better than them. Hiding that smirk under you face, you walk on gracefully into the self check in kiosk, scanning those IDs and leaving with a smile on your face. At times though, you have to go through the ordeal of opening your bags again, switching items from one bag to another, to go below the weight limit. That's a humiliating scene, opening up all of your stuff in front of thousands of onlookers, moving shoes (with underwear stuffed into them) from one bag to another and trying to reach that golden mean where you are below the weight limit on all your luggage. If you are lucky however, you just go through, sitting at those high-chairs, sipping coffee, and watching others struggle through those lines. That is some feeling isn't it?
Its security check time. Talk about your worst nightmare coming true. You are virtually undressed in front of all the people. Remove your shoes and put them in little boxes. What the hell is wrong with these people? Shoes? Really? And its as if they are doing a favor, that they write on the placards, that if you are born before 1937, you can go through without removing your shoes! As if men from 1937 wore shoes at all! And that old man behind you, you keep thinking if you will be able to see a man outwit the airport authorities, by being from a time prior to 1937. How he wishes it were true too. The whole process is so nerve racking. You pray that when you pass your bags through the x-ray, they come out from the other side without being questioned, or moved back or forth. If the belt stops even for a moment, your heart skips a beat, and you wonder if you forgot any so called "dangerous" item in your carry on bag my mistake. You wait on the other side to collect your bag, and you leave immediately, as if you are trying to escape a crime scene.
You go through, now having done all the so called stupid formalities. Howmuchever you hate them, when talking about your trip in front of others, you take on that diplomatic stand, saying well, you know, it has to be done, for safety. Under your breath however, you are cursing it. You now reach your gate. Isnt that a fun sight. You see your plane in front of you. You think it is the best thing after you, only to realize that all around the world, there are thousands and thousands more of its siblings, flying around all the time. The thought that this trip would somehow be special is suddenly dowsed.
Airports now a days are so well equipped. Those long corridors full of your favorite food chains, book stores and electronic goods. You beam at the sight of small electronic items kept behind rotating glass shelves, wondering how well man kind has evolved, that today, so much money is being put into such stupid worthless piece of junk. But you still get a high, you still feel pride in being human.
Its time to board the flight. If you are traveling alone, well. Its the time you have been waiting for. Every time you fly, you have this wonderful thought in your mind. There is that eternal suspense, who will sit next to you? Will it be some single-good-looking-hot-looking-for-love-fairy-tale-ending-girl? You pray to god that the airline seating officials don't somehow mess things up and seat you next to a old lady/male! You scan the co-passengers, mentally ticking off people in your mind. You then narrow the search down to a handful, as to prospective side seat passengers you would have on your wish list. Its all so much fun!
Or maybe, there is this new way of seating which some flights came up with. They were sick of people sending in mails asking them to seat good looking people next to them. So the airline people came up with this different solution. Choose your side-seat passenger. This is the ultimate scenario. You go in and seat yourself in an empty plane. Other passengers too have the same option. So its like sit next to the person you like. The problem here is when you don't get a passenger wanting to sit next to you at all. That is like the ultimate slap on the face! You look at the seat next to you and say in your mind, hahaha, I got an empty seat next to me. I can put my bag on the seat. I win! (Hiding that angry shameful thought far away in the dark corner of your mind)
As soon as you find your seat, the first thing you have to take care of is to stove your carry on luggage. This is a war scenario. You move around from place to place looking for the smallest of the gaps where you can force in your "tiny" bag. You push, shove, jostle till you finally can fit your luggage. With a look of achievement, you take your seat, only to remember that you forgot to remove the head phones from the bag. Now the passengers next to you have already gotten up and taken back their seats once. You now feel ashamed and start wondering if its right on your part to make them get up again, due to your own silliness. You then start cursing yourself, and then planning ahead in time that when you might get up for a loo break, you will get those head phones out.
The flight is now ready, all the passengers have boarded, and you have fastened your seat belt now. Its time for take off, but prior to that, you have to go through the ordeal of listening  to safety instructions. You feel you know them so well, you don't bother to even pay attention. Every time they start that video, you feel that they should somehow segregate regular travelers from the others, and only make those guys watch this video. You feel that if there were to be an exam on the same subject, you would ace at it. With a look of disgust, you start looking at the video, which may perhaps be the most watched video ever! However, the funny thing is, if something were to really go wrong, less than half the people would even remember that there was some video that was shown to cope up with exactly such a situation.
Please turn off your cellphones they say. You eye around suspiciously, putting your phone in airplane mode, trying to catch people who don't follow the rules. I am not sure what exactly do they do if they catch a person who hasn't shut his/her phone down. You always find one or two smart asses texting madly as if its the end of the world just before take off, and you wish somehow you could point those people out to the flight attendants, and earn credits like back in high school. But alas, you are now a grown up, and you just cannot do it anymore! You sit silently, looking at that person in disgust. You then start thinking about human nature as such, and how some people never have the habit of listening to anything. If you are doing that, stop right there. It isn't the moment  to think about all that! Enjoy your own flight!
The flight takes off, the usual popping your ears, swallowing your saliva, craning your necks out of the window goes on. After a while you finally start settling down a bit. The refreshments come through, and you always wonder if you should try something different. But when asked in that sweet voice, you hear yourself saying "coke" as always. You wish they give you something to eat as well, some nuts, some pretzels, something. But darn these flights now a days, they give just nothing, nothing at all.
The toilets are the funniest part in a plane. Wow! They are so neat, so compact, so full of amenities. You wonder if your big 10 by 10 bathroom is even worth all that space. You don't even have half the things you have back home, that you can find here. But uneasy lies the head that wears the crown they say. Such a beautifully set place isn't all luxury. You have to earn it. You have to get up, make your co-passengers get up, slide across the alley, and wait in a queue before you earn your rightful place in the toilet. I think you have to be one of the luckiest person on earth if you can ever walk up to a airplane lavatory and find it vacant. Or you have to be a first class passenger. And finally on earning that place in the toilet, you feel great relief, in all respects!
Sleep. Its something which is not at all related to a flight. You just cannot be comfortably asleep in a flight. I think they had flights designed specially for the same. So that you just should not fall asleep. It maybe part of their plan to always keep you alert and on the look out. You try various positions but in vain, and ultimately give up. You neck hurts. You back hurts. You can't move since the passenger in front of you has arched his chair so far back, that you can almost see his/ her head in top view. And its always that person who gets the seat in front of you. Never have I been seated in a seat where the person ahead of me is careful enough. They are rather always the worst. They have kids who keep crying, they have to keep the reading light on throughout the trip, they will sleep when all are up, and will be awake when its time to sleep, they will keep laughing or giggling all the while watching a sitcom, or keep humming  a tune. In short, they are exactly the people you don' t want on a trip sitting next to you. But then well, it's tough not to be unlucky.
It's time to get off now, you have everything ready for landing. You are happy that the ordeal has come to an end, that you are at your destination, and that you have survived this long. Its something to be proud of ofcourse, not all get through! :)
You come out tired and happy at the same time, and hope that your next flight isn't soon enough. But little do you know, that on the way back home, all you are doing is planning your next flight to go through the same process again!

Its relative