Gag bag

    15-18 sweet fresh dates

    3/4th cup milk
    1/2 cup oil
    1 cup Self-raising flour

    1 1/2 teaspoon baking powder/ baking soda
    Walnuts/ Almonds/ Cashews (optional)
    ½ cup Sugar (optional)

Procedure:

    1) De-seed the dates, and make a paste with a little milk in it in a blender
    2) Sift the flour, sugar(optional) and baking powder/ baking soda together. Baking soda will make it much more softer and fluffier than the powder
    3) Mix the oil, the sifted flour, the remaining milk and the date mix together, taking care to blend it in only one direction (either clockwise, anti-clockwise) with your hands.
    4) Apply some oil to a baking pan, and pour the batter in it. You may garnish it with almonds, walnuts or cashews as per your choice.

    5) Preheat the oven to 170 Degrees Celsius, and then bake for 30 minutes.

    6) Enjoy warm with some ice-cream.

I don’t think I can do it,

Even if I try to now

Cause I have strayed a bit too far

To try to find a way back and how

I have realized this a little too late

That my problem is that I just wait.

So I will just move away

Cause that just sounds as the right thing anyway

And in some parallel universe

Where love isn't a must

I think we can hit it off again

I think over there, it won’t pain.

I try to move on

But the whole damn world holds me back

I try my best to start anew

But the glimpses of the past just push through

How, oh how can I live it up now

When I myself don’t want to love.

I try to stay away

But you show up out of nowhere

I try to catch up

But you just disappear somehow

I don’t want to see you anymore

But then, truth is I don’t want you to see me see you anymore

This hatred kills me everyday

I die to be reborn as someone new

But my unfortunate good luck

Somehow just makes me die again for you

So help me die once and for all

Cause I have already died halfway anyway.

Whatever I do, wherever I am

My mind does nothing but wonder about you

Whatever I am, whatever I will be

Won’t ever matter, now that I have come to see.

Ever wondered how it feels to be really passionate about something? Ever know how it feels to see the ship you build sinking away, and to feel helpless all along while you see it go down? Ever felt that you really need to go out there, lift those heavy logs, give your part of strength, time, so that you could be the architect of that change? Ever know how it feels after the storm has passed away? If yes, then which side were you on, the side where you felt proud of yourself, that you could make your impression in some small way, to bring about a change, a change which you so desperately needed to see? Or were you on that other side, where you were again just that mere spectator of the things going on, and you were helpless and are still now?

I have myself been in both situations a lot of times, more so on the wrong side than the right one. These things usually strike you when you are sitting alone, wondering what the heck is going on, and then suddenly out of nowhere, you see that far away light, a light which makes you believe in life again. Somehow, you feel energized, you feel you are the one who has been sent down to bring about that one change, which will totally create a new system in which there will be nothing wrong ever. But alas, that is only a dream. You are shaken back to reality the moment you see it all happen, and you feel like you could have done so much, but you did nothing, once again as always!

Given all this, I still feel that there are times when we do get that instant feeling that well, wow, look what I did! Maybe it’s not you who did it completely, and may be its not the way you exactly planned it out to be too, but still it gives you a sense of pride! And I am happy to feel so today, cause I feel I lived that feeling just a few days back.

If you follow this regularly, then you know that I have been coaching a kids team recently. Its nothing much, but it does help me stay connected to the game, and it gives a new dimension to the game. It helps me nurture myself as a player and a person too. So it is totally worth it. At times, it makes you want to bang your head against the wall, at times, it catches you off-guard, and sometimes, it is just another beautiful feeling (which come by so rare now a days).

So it went on this way. I have been working with these kids for 8 weeks now,  and now I am in a good rapport with them. They too are their own usual selves around me, so the initial fear on both sides is a little low now. I know what I can expect from them, they know what they want for themselves, so it is working well. The motion is a lot smoother now, than what it was for the first two weeks!

We haven’t been having the best of seasons, as far as scoring goes, but we are still doing really well, thanks to some great improvement on some kid’s parts. They are now more focused while playing, and enjoy a lot during the whole game. They have started understanding and appreciating the game, both as a player and as a substitute, which I feel is a very big achievement. They can correctly point out to the errors they are making. And accepting the error as we all know, is half the battle won!

Improvements come in the form of dedication, understanding, respecting and enjoying the game. And I feel really good about the fact that I do have some role (even if it’s a very small role) to play in all this.

So as always, our match commenced, and we started the game. The scoring is usually not a big factor. But I like to see that you give your 100 percent to whatever you always are supposed to do. I often get angered or troubled by the fact that something’s sometimes are taken too lightly, and this doesn’t go well with me. Inspite of knowing that scoring is not adhered to, we all know that subconsciously, we always have that going on. And this happens to everyone, even to the players on the field. So by half time, I found myself with a team 0-6 down. And I don’t know why, but I was really pissed with the way my boys were performing. Now I was supposed to keep it down, but I couldn't and my half time talk was a little hot and angered. I tried to control, but I couldn't. And this kind of stuff doesn’t happen a lot to me, I mean, like one of my player rightly pointed out to me while I was giving my angered talk (actually it so happened, that I told them all to drop all their half time snacks and come immediately to me, cause I needed to talk to them. One of the kids asked me, are you angry? I said well yea, I am. Aren’t you? And he said no, it’s just a game! And bewildered as I was, I realized too that well yea, it is just a game!). Why then was I so angry? I was angry  not because of the score line, but the way they reacted to the score. There was a possible lack of interest about their whole demeanor. And like I said, I just hate this behavior, wherein there is no passion within you to prove anything at all in the thing you are doing. Atleast try your best, and go down trying, but atleast give it your best?

And hence, I didn’t stop myself. I made it clear what I wanted, I made it clear that this is certainly not how I want the team to play. I said I will make big changes, but it won’t help, cause it is not that you guys don’t have it in you, its just that you don’t want to. So go out there and play your hearts out, before complaining that you are losing every game! I had lost it, and I could feel eyes on me, trying to question what I was doing. I gave them a hard talk, a little animated, a little agitated. And they got no rest, cause I went to one on ones after this. No one got a compliment (maybe this was wrong, but I was really worked up). And soon enough, the whistle went off for the second half.

And in a space of two minutes, I could feel the difference. I could feel the life in each of them, trying to prove themselves. I was really proud that even if not long lasting, they were somehow reacting to something. I don’t care if it was my speech, or something they felt on their own, but they were delivering. Throughout the full half, I didn’t make a single comment, other than substituting the kids once in a while. At the end, the score stood at 4-6. We lost, but we fought hard, and we fought well. And it was my proudest moment to see my kids come out with heads held high. I think such defeats are sweeter than insane victories. I think it makes you happier, and helps you understand the struggle part of every battle you fight. It helps you understand your own faults, look into yourself, change/ tweak a few things here and there (mainly the attitude) and then see the change for yourself.

There are times when you want to know what you are all about, just for your own confirmation, just for your own proof, and I think this one surely counts as one of mine!

In shambles,

Or am I in pain

I see you at a distance

Or am I just trying to see you in vain.

I hear a call, and it is for me.

But I am scared, scared to know the reality.

A loud noise, a clap of thunder

Flashing in front of my eyes,

When will this end, when will it fade away

I shout out towards the skies.

I start running,

Afraid that I am being followed.

I look back and I see a figure

Just one look tells me that I am done for.

There is no escaping this one,

And there is nothing I can do I am sure.

Why, you ask me? Well, it’s my own ghost,

Now what do you do with those?

I have heard and seen many kinds of shit

But this is new and unheard of.

She knows me in and out, and I can’t fool her, I can’t shout

And as she reads my mind, I hear a sorrowed laugh.

I turn back,

Facing myself, weeping, standing alone

And I can’t help but notice, that she is just like me

Just as sad, as lonely and waiting to see

If I can be friends with her

Cause she too lives parallelly.

I approach her, and she backs off

Well that’s new I wonder

For what has she got to be afraid of.

But then I realize, that she is just as afraid of me

As I am of her, and I start to wonder

At what point of time did all of this start.

To be good with yourself

You need to accept yourself, however you are

And once your conscience is clear,

Neither of you will be afraid or lonely.

All you need is honesty and forgiveness

Cause only these are the real pillars of happiness.

It’s hard to rid off your past

Just as it is hard to make your future.

Make friends with yourself, and never feel lonely

Cause no matter where you are

No matter what you do

That ghost from your past, will always be there with you.

Shattered now, she lay still

Knowing that moving wasn't helping

Attracting attention wasn't the way out

Nor could she just shout.

Bound were here hands and legs, though figuratively

Motion of any kind disengaged

And though her senses were up and running

She felt numb, useless and paralyzingly ill.

The castle was broken into

That bloody rascal of an ass****

As she lay down she thought back

To the better times, when trust wasn't a loophole.

Everything was always assumed

That things could always workout

Never did she for once believe

That her privacy and security would be breached.

Life had quickly taken a turnaround

Within a short time, the light had been withdrawn.

The one whom she believed in with her life

Was the one who let her down.

For days she couldn't believe what was happening

It all seemed so unreal and hazy

And though it had been a long time since then

She still had to pinch herself to understand the gravity.

It was the stronghold in her life.

Something which she was proud of.

And though she never made a big deal out of it

She knew how much she relied upon it.

And she thought it was reciprocated evenly

That it was the same wave on either bank

But the tsunami that came one day

Destroyed the very existence of her life.

As she lay crippling, succumbing to her own wounds

She thought about a way to get back at her enemies.

But she wasn't used to all this, she wasn't the fighting type.

She would rather slit her own throat than go after those hounds.

She had always been the peaceful one.

Never protesting, just wanting the bare necessities,

The castle that she had acquired,

Even that was something she had herself built.

She had a mission to her life.

And she couldn't just give up.

Yes, life isn't fair, and it doesn't make sense anymore.

Maybe it will never make sense as well.

After all, what good is life if you are perennially bound

Burdened by the misgivings of people all around

Tortured constantly, slowly impaled,

But she was the fighting one, she would live through this hell.

From today she would start a life anew.

Picking up pieces one by one, she knew she could put it all back again.

It will take a long time, and it will never be as good as it was.

But she was known as the “living one”, the one who could live no matter what.

She had evolved a lot since all this happened.

And only time would tell if she was doing any better.

But her conscience was clean, she had done the right thing.

And she could still face everyone without a shard of evil.

For those who had played with her life,

She had started to feel pity on them.

Maybe they missed the best of her,

And she the worst of them.

But it was all about belief now,

For it is a beautiful weapon to carry

With belief you can act as you want,

Without any regret, without any worry.

Today she had that weapon.

She could wield it to her defense

And if someone did come to hinder her path

Her belief would see that it was the last she sees of them.

That’s what belief does for you, it gives you a charm.

It gives you peace of mind, it gives you strength in and out

Lying there in misery all these days, made her resilient, made her strong

Today she believed, that she could scrape through life somehow.